Voldemort's MidLife Crisis
by MinionsOfTheNachoArmyUnite
Summary: Written for HPFC Bored Challenge. Crack!Fic. What happens when Voldemort doesn't throw a birthday party because Death Eaters can't hold their alcohol.


**A/N: **Hi!

So, before I go on to my Authors Note for this story, I want to say to my normal readers that I am officially going on indefinite hiatus for my account. Sorry, real life and writer's block has gotten in the way. I may occasionally post a challenge, but until I announce that I am coming back to writing for good, don't expect lots of updates.

That being said, this was written for the Bored challenge over on the HPFC forum. It was the only one that was giving me any inspiration, so I ran with it. It's kinda (and by kinda, I mean extremely.) stupid and pointless, but I couldn't stop laughing as I wrote it. The challenge was:

"( rules ) -- you can claim a pairing even if it's on the list already, HARRY POTTER fandom only, claim a **pairing or character**, no due date, use the prompts below:

-**staring ( at something/someone )**

-unused something

-to-do little notes

**-junk food**

**-couch potato**

-daisy chains

**-lonely**

-hug

**-bored**"

The ones in bold are the ones I used. It's not my best work, most likely, but I really enjoyed writing it. I hope you enjoy reading it. This is super crack-y, so if that's not your cup of tea, I suggest you turn back now.

Also, it's called 'Voldemort's Mid-Life Crisis' because this is how I think he would act if he ever had a mid-life crisis. I really don't know what is wrong with me.

Hope everyone here has a very Merry Christmas!

**Warnings:** Mentions of a slutty!Bellatrix and angry drunk!Lucius. OOC-Voldemort, but it's crack, so I think it's OK. I tried to keep him in character a little, but there's only so much you can do. I think that's it. Let me know if I missed something.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own, Harry Potter, Phineas & Ferb, or anything else except the plot.

* * *

The Dark Lord Voldemort was acting in such a way that if Severus Snape had not been experienced enough in his spy duties, he probably would have cringed and moved toward the nearest door to make a hasty escape. He did not.

However, that was a small feat. You see, his 'Lord and master,' was really starting to scare him. He was supposed to be some Muggle-hating, power-hungry, evil, snake-like… thing.

Instead, he was lounging on the couch, eating popcorn and watching some American Muggle children's TV program called 'Phineas & Ferb.'

"My Lord," Snape asked, "What _are _you doing?"

* * *

_Flashback Time!_

Voldemort was bored.

It just wasn't fair, he thought, it was his birthday. He just wanted one day off from being all evil, to celebrate.

At first, he wanted to throw a party. But then he realized he would have to invite all of his Death Eaters. He knew how they got when there was alcohol. Bellatrix wouldn't have stopped slobbering over him and Lucius was a mean drunk. And that was the best of them!

He then mused over the idea of throwing a super-secret party with the Order. They were sure to be more fun! But they would be all, 'Oh, Voldemort, it's just a scheme to kill us all!' Jeez, couldn't they just trust him _once? _Sure, he was a mass-murderer, but he still wanted a halfway-decent birthday!

But, alas, Dumbledore would never allow for it. Especially Potter coming. It was too bad he was his mortal enemy, he always seemed like a pretty cool kid. Ah, such is life.

So, he was sitting in Malfoy Manor, on request everyone had vacated the premises, apparently waiting for something wonderful to happen.

Nothing did.

After roughly a half-hour of mulling over his ruined birthday plans, he decided to check the place out. Because, although he had been living there roughly six months, he never really felt the want or need to search over the Malfoy's not-so-humble abode.

He walked through the home, stopping only briefly in the doorway of each room until he got to the third room of the second underground floor.

There, something about the room caught his strangely colored eye. Most of the rooms had some sort of a light charm or a fake window to bring in light. He wondered why. Was it because there was something in here that was light-sensitive?

Perhaps they were just embarrassed of what was here. But why? The Malfoy's were respectable Purebloods. They were found in possession of Dark artifacts a few years ago and didn't even blink. Could it be something that could ruin their reputation?

Curiosity won out in the end and he slowly inched into the room. Not because he was scared or anything, though. He just wanted to be sure. He was shocked at what he found-

A 60" wide-screen LCD TV with a Blu-ray player and a Direc-TV box to the side. Across from it looked like a few large couches in theatre setup and a popcorn machine to the side. Obviously, the prestigious Malfoys had put a lot of money into this Muggle contraption.

Well, he thought to himself, there's nothing better to do. The then proceeded to fiddle with buttons on the TV and on the smaller boxes until a picture came up.

Well, this isn't so bad, he thought. Then he went over to the popcorn machine, got himself a soda, and started channel-flipping.

* * *

_Back to the present…_

Snape was staring. It wasn't something he enjoyed doing, especially to someone he wasn't trying to make uncomfortable, and especially if that someone was willing to _crucio_ him in a second. But none the less, he just couldn't help it.

And Voldemort still hadn't answered. He was just staring, transfixed at the screen, which seemed to be showing two boys about the age of ten building a roller coaster in their backyard. One had green hair and was wearing pants way too high. The other had a triangular head.

"My Lord," Snape said as he attempted to get Voldemort's attention again, "What is this?"

"Phineas & Ferb." He stated, still staring. Finally, he turned toward Snape and said with a completely straight face, "their gonna do it all."

Of course, Snape already knew what the show was. After all, it was also Dumbledore's newest craze. He even used one of their ideas for a theoretical Order mission. But, nonetheless it worked to get Voldemort's attention.

"Why are you watching it?"

"I was lonely."

Snape pinched the bridge of his nose. He knew the Malfoy's owned these devices, and loved them, but he never thought Voldemort would be caught up in the frenzy, too.

"I have to go." Said Snape. "Order Meeting." Of course, there was no Order meeting. He just really hated this show and rather didn't want to get dragged into watching it like he did with Dumbledore. He wouldn't normally lie to Voldemort. He did, after all, have superb Occlumency skills. But he seemed so transfixed that he probably wouldn't have noticed either way.

"'Kay. Try to bring me back some juicy spy goodness!" Voldemort shouted over his shoulder before he heard the door slam.

As Snape walked through Malfoy Manor, he tried, unsuccessfully, to not dwell on the fact that The Dark Lord had said, 'juicy spy goodness.'

The few people who actually knew and believed where Snape's true allies lay often asked him, 'Why the crazy old man?' To which he always replied, 'Their both crazy old men.' They always assumed that by Voldemort being crazy he meant really mentally unstable. He really meant in the exact same way as Dumbledore.

Really, they weren't all that different. Well, at least as far as moods go.

* * *

Yeah, this is probably the stupidest thing I've ever written, and that's saying something.

Please review? Possibly? Maybe? Their an author's favorite christmas present, you know!

Thanks, and have a very Merry Christmas!


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